The maternity pants that weren’t

I am not really a “trousers” kind of person. I prefer to wear dresses and skirts, or tunics over leggings. But a friend recently raved about these gorgeous and comfortable pants she bought from a trendy online boutique, so I threw caution to the wind and ordered a pair for myself. And when they arrived a few days later, I opened the package with great excitement. They were made of beautiful material, lovely and soft and smooth, with a stretchy waistband and pockets (both requirements). So I rushed to my bedroom to try them on. And then I discovered the horrorshow I had somehow missed when I looked at the website pictures of the pants: They had a drop crotch.

A drop crotch, if you don’t already know, means that the crotch of the pants hovers somewhere around your knees and not at your actual, you know, crotch. So the legs of the pants finish at your knees, and then there are what seem like acres of material until you get to the waistband. Underneath, it’s all chafed thighs and an uneasy feeling that your underwear are going to fall down and join that drop-crotch.

I don’t do drop-crotch pants. Firstly, because they make me look like I should be wearing a nappy. My toddler has drop-crotch pants, because she NEEDS all that extra room to accommodate her nappy. I am an adult and am most definitely potty-trained.

I texted my friend. PANTS ARRIVED. She replied, DO YOU LOVE THEM?

THEY HAVE A DROP CROTCH, I responded.

DROP CROTCH = ON TREND!!!! she said.

DON’T THINK THEY ARE ME, I hedged.

SEND PICS!!! AM SURE THEY ARE GORGEOUS, was her very generous reply.

So I went into the bathroom to take some mirror selfies. And as I fussed around with the pants, trying to get them to sit just so on my hips, unsure quite where the waistband was supposed to sit if the crotch was at my knees, I suddenly realised:

These drop-crotch pants would have been the PERFECT maternity pants.

Seriously. Why didn’t they have these pants when I was pregnant? All that extra material between the crotch and waist would have been so comfy on my bump! And as my bump expanded, they would have grown with me, until the crotch was right where it was supposed to be. Forget maternity pants with the stretchy spandex panel in front. Drop-crotch would have been the way to go!

So I yanked those drop-crotch pants up over my food baby — the only baby bump I’ll ever have now that I’m done having babies — and took a mirror selfie to send to my friend.

AM I WEARING THEM RIGHT? I texted.

She didn’t reply for several minutes, and then she said:

ARE YOU PREGNANT?????

Those drop-crotch pants went back to the shop the next day, but you bet I’m telling all the pregnant mums I know about them.